Last night I made a declaration that really helped me put my life into perspective. That declaration was about what really mattered the most in my life and I had to be brutally honest about what those things are.
There are things from my past life that I haven’t been able to let go of that I have been holding me back in ways I never cared to acknowledge.
I can’t say what triggered these revelations but I’d like to try and start making sense of some things by talking about this quote I read earlier that day:
If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.
— Lao Tzu
For what feels like an eternity by now I haven’t been able to let go of the past and have noticed that “depression” has turned into anxiousness.
See, as I start to finally see things come together for who I want to be as a young man and the things I want to create and write about here on Kolakube, I’ve noticed an increase in anxiousness in my well-being.
But don’t get me wrong — I am not dismissing this anxiousness nor do I want it to go away. I’m accepting it with wide open arms because for what feels like another small eternity in my life I can’t remember feeling too much of anything at all.
For the first time in a while I see realistic ideas come to fruition not only in my mind but at what I can see with my own two eyes.
From all of this emotional numbness came what could end up being some of the best and most important art I’ve ever created in my life.
What came from that numbness became the best art I’ve ever created in my life.
Maybe I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that my past life I knew just a year ago is in the past and that I have an incredible amount of things to look forward to in the life that I have still yet to create. Who knows what will pop back up from it?
Maybe this is just a wave of energy that’s here to last only for a little bit before burning out again. After all, I’ve felt these bursts come and go before thinking that I’ve finally “turned a new leaf” and am ready to move on.
While I’m not foolish enough to believe that my days will (or even should) be filled with a never-ending supply of happiness and high-energy, I can admit I’m always a little fearful for the time when the doubts creep in or when that unexpected little ball of hopelessness rises into the pit of my stomach.
Focus, Obsession & Destiny
I read a post from James Altucher where he gave advice to write down 25 things you’re most interested in.
He then said to disregard the last 20 and focus only on 5, while admitting that even still may be too many and to boil it down to 2 or 3.
Last night I declared 2 things that were most important to me. Now I didn’t choose these things because they’re necessarily the things I want to only focus on, I chose them because they’re the things I need to focus on.
Breaking the “Life Framework”
I have many hobbies I want to pursue and things I’d like to do but the 2 things I declared most important are things that obsess me right now. They’re the 2 things I’d be thinking about and stressing about while I did the things that are admittedly very tempting for me to otherwise give my focus to.
I’m at the age (of 21) where I’m supposed to be…
…going to school.
…traveling the world.
I know for a fact school doesn’t work for me after putting up with the American school system for about 12 years of my life and I got my taste of what adventuring can be like after traveling to Banff, Canada to attempt a 2,500 mile bike race when I was 19.
As for the girls part, well, I’m still recovering from that one.
Maybe I don’t have as much money as I should and am live a “boring” lifestyle compared to most my age (as one of my college student friends recently put it), but those are prices I’ve chosen to pay and will continue to pay until I’ve paid my dues for indulging my obsessions.
I always try to understand why people are the way they are in an effort to better understand myself. What I, you, and everybody else project onto others is ultimately a reflection of oneself so I see great value from that level of understanding.
I’m learning that maybe you aren’t shaped by the events in your life you can get over (though I’m sure that does come naturally with time) but rather by how you live with and carry those events with you.
That begs the question:
Will they consume you or fuel you?
While the tough thing is that life is full of ups and downs, the beautiful thing is you can choose how you want to answer that question.
Choose wisely and maybe even more importantly — choose consciously.